By Jim Hagarty
1988
It’s a great mystery to me why mankind is still plagued with so many problems when science and technology have given us so many solutions. And at such affordable prices.
Why, for example, are there still people who do not have a full, thick head of hair when the Helsinki Formula could grow them a new crop overnight? At a laughably low cost.
Why do we humans put up with sagging bodies and spirits, annoying aches and pains, lonely hearts, financial crises and a host of other troubles when for a very few dollars we could clear up all these woes for good? And clear them up in record time.
Some will say life is problems. To live is to suffer. No pain, no gain. These are people who have not opened their eyes. Opened them up to the ads in the supermarket tabloids.
Just see if most of what’s bugging you couldn’t be cleared up with a small investment in some of the following devices, cures and formulas, promoted in a publication I picked up this week.
Eyes puff out like pillows? “No more under-eye puffiness. Look years younger by using Eye Puffiness Minimizer. Only $6.99.”
Hair limp and wimpy? “Your hair can be longer, stronger and thicker in just one week. ‘Hairlong’ protein lotion is actually sucked up by each individual hair to strengthen and thicken your hair up to 36 per cent more. Only $4.90.”
Friends, Romans, countrymen won’t lend you their ears? “How to make others secretly do your bidding with the astonishing power of Automatic Mind Command. How to get started in just three minutes is all contained in The Miracle of Psycho-Command Power. Only $12.95.”
Face sagging like a sack full of earthworms? “Playboy model Vikki LaMotta offers you her 90-second facelift. Free. Only $19.95.”
Cash flow down to a trickle? “I make people into lottery millionaires. Now I want to make you and 99 others millionaires too. Only $1.”
Blimping out, are we? “I lost 54 pounds without dieting and look and feel great. New! Super-fast Japanese fat-reducing pill just released. Results 100 per cent guaranteed. Only $19.95.”
Hurtin’ all over? “Micro Magnets. New miraculous pain-relieving therapy. Drug free. No side effects. Only $19.95.”
Eyes like prunes? “Miracle Sunglasses stop eye wrinkles. Secret coating blocks dangerous UV rays. (Warning: Cheap Fakes May Be Available.) Only $9.95.”
Rover smellin’ like an backhouse on fire? “Pet Perfume. Because pets have a right to smell pretty too. Only $5.”
Mugged and miserable? “Rape. Robbery. Murder. Don’t be next! Protect yourself with The Guardian. A harmless looking flashlight that will render any attacker helpless. Only $19.95.”
Single and sorry? “You will be married in less than a year. Only $9.95.”
Packed with pickin’ potential? “Play guitar in seven days. Or money back. Only $6.98.”
Gut got you grumpy? “Flatten your stomach in four-and-a-half minutes. Guaranteed. No pills. No diets. Only $9.95.”
Need a miracle? “I will cast a spell for you. Tell Andreika what you want. (One spell at a time). Only $13.50.”
Perennial loser? “Crack the lottery in 10 seconds flat. Only $5.”
You see? Now, what’re you waitin’ for? Get those money orders in the mail.
And if you want to really shoot for the top, what the heck? Try this one. “You can become a super-being. By following simple instructions, everything you desire will materialize instantly. Just snap your fingers and count one, two, three. Order, Unseen Kingdoms. Only $11.95.”
I bet you’re feelin’ better already. Sure you are.
That’ll be $5.
