Lifetime Sentences

By Jim Hagarty
Official Smartypants

I posted this a while ago on Facebook:

“I have tried many times to outsmart myself but I am so smart, I am unable to do it.”

As far as I know, this quote is original to me and I have used it many times over the years.

But I got thinking about that today. If I was unable to outsmart myself, then really, how smart could I be to not have enough smarts to outsmart myself?

And if I was able to outsmart myself, was it because I was not smart enough to not be outsmarted by a person as smart as I?

Perhaps someone smarter than me, assuming there is someone like that roaming the world, can figure this out. My brain is smarting from considering the question in all its ramifications.

I know you’re busy, but I would appreciate an answer right smartly.

By Jim Hagarty

I have begun to publish a story a day from my humour book about being a housebound dad called Poor Daddy: Adventures of a Stay-at-Home Father. The introduction and first two chapters are there. Check it out by clicking on Poor Daddy under the menu at the top of the page. It is not yet for sale in the Corner Store. I am having trouble working out terms of the financial arrangement with that crusty cheapskate, Jim Hagarty.

By Jim Hagarty

I had an uncle who lived well into his 90s.

He was healthy as a horse up to the end. He went out golfing three weeks before he died. He was the happiest, most optimistic man I’ve ever met.

But his life wasn’t trouble-free. At one point in his senior years, doctors opened up his skull and did some sort of brain operation, I can’t remember the details of. He survived it and carried on.

But on both sides of his forehead, there were two big indentations associated with the operation. The skin grew over them but it was noticeable that there appeared to be two holes in his forehead, one on the left and one on the right.

I first saw him, following the operation, at a funeral. Of course he noticed that everyone who greeted him was stealing a furtive glance at the new prominent features on his head.

So, rather than launch into a lengthy explanation, he put people at ease with this little quip: “That’s where they took the horns off,” he laughed. And so did everyone else.

If there was someone, somewhere who didn’t love him, I never met that person. His wife, my aunt, was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s disease, so he taught himself to cook. And in his early 90s, invested in a whole new set of pots and pans. Also bought a new car.

A better example of living life to the fullest I have never known.

By Jim Hagarty

Humour might seem to be my talent. I suppose it is.

But to me, it is my medication.

You might think I am funny because I am unserious. The truth is, I am funny because I am too serious.

Humour is my only hope.

We see someone laughing and we think, “Now there is a happy man.” He might be happy. But it is important to remember that they don’t let you out of the nuthouse till you stop laughing.

Have you ever seen a dictator laugh? They can’t laugh. They have no sense of humour. It is their most major character flaw. Unable to laugh, they are incapable of achieving perspectve. Without perspective, a man is living in a dream world.

The Irish have no special claim to suffering. But the Irish have suffered. And yet, they laugh. At others, sometimes, but usually at themselves and each other.

Two things keep me going in this world: humour and music.

It might not mean I am always happy when I am laughing, but at least at those times I am not crying.

I have done my share of that.

When I can find humour in a situation, I know that I have finally accepted it.

It is acceptance of the twists and turns in life that is my true medication.

Situations have lost their power to hurt me when I have accepted them.

Acceptance and perspective.

Humour and music.

And love.

By Jim Hagarty
Renowned Terrible Limericker

Trudeau has failed a big test.
He elbowed a lawmaker’s breast.
It is shown on YouTube.
He assaulted her boob.
So he finally manned up and confessed.

By Jim Hagarty

Three weeks ago today I started Lifetime Sentences.

I am having a ball with the thing. For many reasons.

I have had almost 7,000 views in three weeks. I have only 6,437 relatives so I know at least some strangers have wandered my way. Actually, I understand that 7,000 views doesn’t represent 7,000 people. But it appears that at least, I have two or three hundred individual readers checking me out every day. And some are coming back more than once a day. That is my goal. To make this a vibrant site that is updated regularly.

The big reason I like this so much is that it feels like I am back in the newspaper game. I loved working as a reporter on newspapers but even more, as the editor I eventually became. My days were so varied. And I was never stuck just doing one thing. From writing (and reporting – my career was spent on small newspapers), to taking photos and designing pages, the work was interesting. I never watched the clock when I was newspapering. My challenge was to finally go home at night and sometimes I brought work home. I didn’t have to. I wanted to.

The fun for me in newspapers was not only in the variety of tasks but in the challenge I gave myself to try to attract the best writers, photographers and cartoonists I could. At the end of the day, that was my biggest source of satisfaction. I developed what I think was an eye for talent and I loved giving newcomers a start.

So I am taking the same approach with the blog. Reaching out to talented people so that they get exposure and my viewers get a chance to see more than just me blabbing on continuously every day.

One thing I love the blog for is the chance it gives me to offer music. You might know Stratford, Ontario, Canada, as the birthplace of Justin Bieber. But Stratford was a hotbed for the arts long before Justin came along to put us on the map. We were home, for example, to Richard Manuel, a member of The Band. We have produced many others who have had a big impact. And our city of 35,000 has always been a Mecca for singer-songwriters and aspiring bands. Every major musical act since the fifties has played our town and that continues to this day.

In the 1950s, Stratford opened a Shakespearean theatre which is still going gangbusters today. We attract almost a million tourists each summer. And years ago, a summer musical festival was begun to give visitors even more reason to stay. Famous musicians from all over the world in every imaginable musical genre perform at the music festival which continues to grow every year. And the Festival Theatre has attracted many of the world’s greatest actors to its multiple stages now.

So, I want to use Lifetime Sentences to share some of this motherlode of talent we enjoy in Stratford with you. Some artists I feature are friends of mine, some not, or not yet.

But I live in a wonderful place.

I hope you come to think of it that way too.

Thanks for your interest in Lifetime Sentences. It is still in its infancy. I am looking forward to seeing where it goes and I am glad you are along for the ride.

By Jim Hagarty
Here a delightful cut from Folk ‘n’ Western, a CD by singer-songwriter Michael “Earnie” Taylor who wrote I’m Having Dinner With My Wife. Earnie has fun with his music and it always shows. The CD is available in the Corner Store.

I’m Having Dinner With My Wife by Earnie Taylor

By Jim Hagarty
Renowned Terrible Limericker

I know a groundhog named Bert
Who has a nasty allergy to dirt.
He has learned how to climb
And now lives in a pine.
I think he’ll fall out and get hurt.

By Jim Hagarty

Hey Gordie. Thanks for your email asking me how I’m doing.

To be honest, I feel like feces. Never felt worse, in fact.

I was fine on Friday morning but today I am in bed and it’s like the following must have happened to me.

I was out for a walk yesterday and saw a nice horse by the side of the road. I patted it on its rump and it kicked me in the nuts. As I bent over in pain, the nasty critter caught me on the chin with his other hoof and down I went.

A few minutes later, the animal’s owner came along and believing I had been mean to his horse, took out his riding crop and began whipping me with it as I writhed on the ground. He then mounted his steed and rode off, leaving me curled up like a baby in the ditch. The pain caused me to pass out.

When I woke up, two big turkey vultures were sitting on my chest, one pecking at my throat, the other at my eyeballs. As much as that hurt, just getting that close a look at those ugly sons of guns made me very sad.

Just then, a hunter out looking for game spotted the turkeys but didn’t see me and fired off a couple of shots. One bullet pierced my collarbone and lodged in my neck, the other landed in my right shoulder which could have been worse as I am left handed. The only good thing about that was the vultures flew off and I was able to sit up and take stock.

It seemed like only a moment later the pile of two-by-fours came flying off the building supply store truck as it rounded the bend but I didn’t get to watch them for long as they fell on me and completely covered me over. That’s where I thought the story would end but a couple of redneck scavengers came along in their truck that had no doors and started tossing the boards in the back.

When they discovered me, they were alarmed and asked me if I wanted a ride home. I happily said yes and they drove in the direction of my house but when they turned onto my street they were going too fast and I shot out of the doorless cab like a Tiger Woods drive leaving the tee. I fell on the pavement and as they were drinking at the time, they didn’t notice my sudden absence.

I crawled the half-block to my house and was glad that I hadn’t locked it because I didn’t have to fish for keys. But the unlocked door also made the entrance easier for the home invaders I encountered in the living room who, armed with a couple of golf clubs, began thrashing me like they were trying to get the dust out of a carpet.

Finally they left with most of my stuff and at last I was able to bounce downstairs on my swollen butt and drag myself into my bed where I have been ever since.

I might have a fever. I hope I don’t start hallucinating.

Thanks again for asking after me.

And how are you doing?

Jim