My Business Plan

By Jim Hagarty

If I owned a variety store
I’d stock it with guns and much more.
Bazookas and bullets and bombs
And tee shirts that read, “I love Mom.”

I’d have fireworks for kids to let off
And lawn signs that tell you, “Get Off!”
I’d sell bear traps and camouflage shirts
Car stickers that say, “Eat My Dirt!”

I’d sell booze by the pints and the quarts,
And cushions that make great big farts.
Pellet guns, BB guns too,
And stickers that read, “I Hate You!”

And magazines full of nude pics
And pot nicely packaged in bricks.
Along the top shelves in my store
Would be ball caps and jackknives and more.

Yes, I would go hog wild with goods
Like any good, good ole boy would.
Knick knacks and things for the wife.
I’d sell all the good things in life.

And when they showed up to foreclose
I’d yell, “Shove it all up your nose!
“I am free to do what I want.”
Next stop: My own restaurant.