I recently became aware of an insect I am sharing this planet with called the “assassin bug.” And accompanying the information about this horrible creature was the fact that it murders 12,000 people a year. As I am strongly opposed to being murdered by anything that flies, crawls or walks, I thought this was a subject that deserved my attention.
Along with the shocking statistics about the assassin bug, was a picture. A depiction that, on reflection, I wish now I had never seen. Because while this might sound a bit far-fetched to you, I am pretty sure there are assassin bugs living in our backyard. For one thing, I rarely see any people back there and now I think I know why. Call me crazy, but I think there have been assassinations going on back there for quite some time now.
First Covid-19 kept me locked in my basement for two years and now the assassin bug might keep me there the rest of my life.
I am writing this as a public service announcement in case you think it is safe for you to go into your backyard. I believe, however, there might be a way around this terrible problem. Famous people who are afraid of being assassinated, often hire a highly trained security team to protect them 24/7. I have just now been flipping through the phonebook, looking for companies that specialize in this. If I find one, I will pass that along.
Last summer, it was wasps and hornets that kept me dodging and weaving. This summer, the assassin bug.
Of course, we also have lots of mosquitoes but they seem pretty harmless. They only kill 725,000 people a year. The odds are in my favour with those little buggers, I believe. Over my 71 years, they have never managed to kill me though I have assassinated hundreds of them.
To them, I must look like the biggest, meanest assassin bug they’ve ever had the misfortune to meet.
©2022 Jim Hagarty
