Some anonymous guy phoned our house last week with a short announcement, and then hung up.
“You’re an idiot,” said the caller, when I answered. And that was that.
Except it wasn’t that. The brief character assessment conveyed by our telephone hero got me wondering whether or not I am, in fact, an idiot. I am prone to bouts of self-doubt like this.
So I signed up for a $1,000 online 12-week course entitled, “How to Identify an Idiot.”
Right off the bat, when taking my first lesson, I was a little discouraged to read that anyone who would pay $1,000 for an Internet course to confirm whether or not he is an idiot, is, in fact, an idiot.
But then I felt a little better when the presenter went on to describe how almost all human beings are idiots from time to time. With most people, however, their idiotic moments are brief and few. A true idiot, however, carries his idiocy with him all day long wherever he goes.
Our assignment for this week is to be on the lookout for idiots in our midst and having seen one, bring a description of that person to the next session.
It didn’t take long for me to recognize my first suspect. I was going through the drivethrough at a fast-food restaurant but before I could get to the window, a 40s-something man got out of his parked car and walked up to the window. He had in his hand the largest container for pop ever made and he started arguing with the attendant behind the window.
He appeared to want a refill and he kept trying to hand the young woman his huge cup. She obviously would not take it; in the middle of a pandemic, they won’t accept anything through the window, not even cash. It seemed as though this guy thought this was about the biggest outrage anyone had ever experienced. He flailed his arms and shrugged his shoulders, obviously mocking the woman behind the glass and by extension, the whole pandemic thing.
But, despite not wearing a mask, he sort of got his way, as he seemed to have been instructed to head into the restaurant which he did.
I am expecting a solid A in class next week for my eagle eye spotting of this idiot.
But a look at the course description suggests there is more to this offering than I at first thought.
Besides exploring the whole concept of idiocy, in future classes we will be looking at many first cousins of the idiot such as the moron, the lamebrain, the fool, and the dumbass.
I am looking forward to learning all about the dumbass, as apparently it is possible to be a dumbass and a smartass at the same time. I have no idea how that could ever be explained. But a picture of Texas Senator Ted Cruz accompanies this topic heading so maybe there is a hint in that.
I am not sure how learning all there is to know about idiocy will help prepare me for the rest of my life, but my hope is, if that guy ever calls again, I will be able to offer him a devastating retort such as …
“I know you are but what am I?”
My big worry is that only an idiot would not be able to explain what that saying means.
I hope you know what it means because I don’t and never have.
©2020 Jim Hagarty
