I don’t mean to freak anybody out, but I am actively searching for a new place in the world to relocate. I live three miles from the hospital in which I was born and therefore, over my 72 years, I have never gotten very far in life.
Time to spread my wings!
But there are so many places where I could take up residence I am finding it almost impossible to choose.
I love Scotland and can see myself there. In a little place called Dull. It is possible I might be dull enough for there, but I worry there is a total absence of excitement in a place with that name. Same thing with Boring, Oregon and Nothing, Arizona. I’m all for peace and quiet but I sometimes crave a little noise, at least. A summer circus, a holiday parade. Maybe, as I am just a regular guy, I would fit in with the people of Normal, Illinois.
Then there are places with a little too much oomph for me. Rough and Ready, California, for example. Same with Hot Coffee, Mississippi, Batman, Turkey, and Jot-Em-Down, Texas.
Some places I will avoid as the names just kind of turn me off, for no particular reason, I suppose. I don’t want to have to tell friends and family I am living in Poo, India, Windpassing, Austria, Anus in France, or Fartsville, Virginia, Shitterton, England, Slickpoo, Idaho, or Poopsdale, Indiana.
And I have pretty much ruled out moving to Middelfart, Denmark. Town names get shortened, sometimes, and I don’t want to have to tell people that I am in Midfart.
As an Eyeore sort of guy, I maybe could see myself in Pity Me, England, or Lake Disappointment, Australia, or Dum Dum, India.
And I have decided to definitely not go to Hell, Michigan, even though, during my career as a journalist, I was often told to go to Hell. And I am staying away from the state of Maine and its places called Bald Head, Deadmans Corner, Suckerville, and Purgatory. Same with Cranky Corner, Lousiana, though you never know, I might fit right in there.
Little Heaven in Delaware might be okay, but maybe I think it’s too soon for that. Perhaps I would be welcomed in Humansville, Missouri.
And now that I think about it, five miles away from my current home in Stratford, Ontario, Canada, is a little crossroads called Harmony.
Harmony is small. But maybe, at this stage in my life, I could use a little harmony as I go about my days. In fact, it’s a ten-minute drive away. Maybe I don’t have to move at all.
Maybe I will start a movement to have Stratford renamed Staying Put.
The End.
©2023 Jim Hagarty
