By Jim Hagarty
Twenty-five years ago my wife presented me with an electronic stud finder to help me hang heavy stuff on our walls.
Twenty-five years later, our walls are full of more holes than a beehive, holes that lead into empty space, not studs. This is because the stud finder is a useless piece of crap.
I could take a stick and go out in the back yard and discover an underground spring of water faster than I could find a stud with this ridiculous thing. And yet, I bring the darned device out every once in a while, pop a new battery in it and proceed to try to get it to find a stud behind some drywall. But it is apparent that it couldn’t find one if our walls were made of glass and the studs were covered in labels stating “Stud Here.”
So, back in the bottom of the toolbox it goes and I start drilling holes into empty drywall like an ice fisherman, looking for a good spot. If I ever hit a stud, it has been completely by accident.
This week, I had to attach something to a wall and this time, no mistakes could be permitted. So, I drilled four huge holes you could stick your little finger into, into the wall in question, and came nowhere near any studs. I should be given a prize for being that successful at avoiding all studs.
Desperate, I got the stud finder and gave it one more shot. Turning it on, I soon saw that it was as useless as ever. The green light should obviously indicate a stud, a red light, no stud. Nope, nope, nope. And nope.
I was just about to throw that freakin’ thing through the window when I noticed some writing on the back. The words there were instructions on how to use it. And this is how low I had sunk – I read them for the first time.
The green light only indicates the device is on. The red light comes on when one side of the stud is found and goes off when it leaves the other side. As simple as sneezing in a pepper factory.
Applying these directions, I discovered that the thing works perfectly. Imagine that! And all these years, those stupid directions were hiding in plain sight unlike all those darned studs it has never found.
