You might be getting the idea by now that I think the gun culture in the United States is insane, but you could not be more wrong. More guns, everywhere, is the only answer.
Everywhere, say, like up your butt.
And why not? Did nature not design the human buttocks as a perfectly formed holster, where a loaded pistol would fit wonderfully? Of course it did.
And that is why a 21-year-old New Jersey man shoved the stolen, automatic .25-caliber handgun up where the sun don’t shine when police suspected he was hiding something. They found the weapon, of course, killjoys that they are.
If I were Darquan R. Lee, I would be scared to death that one of my big sneezes or hiccups or other bodily noise emissions might cause the weapon to blow my brains out. Then I realized that it would be impossible to blow out Mr. Lee’s brains even if he’d shoved a bazooka up his bazoom. To be effective, a gun must have a target, and I believe it is missing in this case.
But if it did go off, that would be one heck of a bowel movement, wouldn’t it? No better laxative exists, I suppose.
©2015 Jim Hagarty
