I need to confess something, not that it is a thing that will earn me jail time, just a thing that’s always been my thing. I love artificial light. Ever since I was a kid, pushing a button or pulling a chain and having light instantly appear, has fascinated me.
So, imagine how my mind blew when I discovered a few years ago that light bulb inventor Thomas Edison used to live in a rented house just up the street from the school my kids would eventually attend in Stratford, Ontario, Canada, where I was born. Tommy, as I affectionately refer to him, was only 18 when he lived in my town and hadn’t invented artificial light at that point, but it had to have been on his mind where, no doubt, a light bulb went off in his head one day, just like in the cartoons.
Anyway, long story short (too late), I have never seen a lamp I didn’t want to turn on, daytime, nighttime, no matter. You can keep your sun if you want it – all it ever did for me was burn my skin and hurt my eyes. Artificial light is where it’s at, Baby, and in my advanced years now, I get to call pretty much everybody I see Baby.
So here is the problem, and, of course, there has to always be a problem.
For the past almost 30 years (I will be married 30 years this fall), there has been an invisible force following along behind me turning off all the lamps I turn on, especially during the day. During all this time, I have never actually witnessed this taking place, and a times, I thought my eyes were playing tricks, or maybe a lot of bulbs were mysteriously burning out on their own, but, no, it really has been happening.
A half hour ago, for example, at 10:30 a.m., I turned on two lamps beside my computer by the kitchen window through which a truckload of natural light was pouring. I went outside to sneeze and when I came back in, my beautiful lamps, the ones Tommy and I worked so hard to invent, were extinguished. And yet, no sign of a human being anywhere, so that couldn’t have been the cause of this sad turn of events.
Some sort of evil light killer is following me around all day and to be honest, it’s beginning to freak me out.
Oh boy do I wish Tommy were here. He’d know what to do. He’d probably invent a lamp that couldn’t be turned off.
God, I love that guy.
©2019 Jim Hagarty
