I picked up a two-by-four at the Two By Four Store today. Here is what the two-by-four specialists did with my new board before they put it in my car. And they are quite open about it if you ask them.
First, they fired up a bulldozer and ran over it six times. Then they went to a gym downtown and fetched the biggest body builder they could find and hired him to come and whack my two-by-four a dozen times with a sledgehammer. For fun before he left, he took a heavy chain to it and gave it 12 more beatings.
Then they took my board up to the highest part of the roof and threw it into a pile of rocks. Finally, they shut down the Two By Four Store for a while and every staff member came outside and jumped up and down on my board for five minutes.
“Is this one okay?” asked the young man as he slid the poor wooden mess into my car. I looked it over carefully.
“Yes, that’ll be fine,” I said, and as I drove away, because I was born and raised in Canada and am not allowed to emigrate to another country, I called out the window to him as I drove away, “Thanks!”
And as I did, my receipt for the board flew out my open window and now I couldn’t take it back, even if I did find something wrong with it when I got it home.
©2015 Jim Hagarty
