Most people don’t know when they will draw their final breath and what will have happened to have caused them to do that.
Like most people, I too don’t know the when, but I suspect my date with the Grim Reaper will be soon.
I am pretty sure, however, that I know what it is that will bring about my end.
I used to always think that the last thing I would see on this earth would be a frying-pan size black bear’s paw covering my face. While that still is a possibility, especially considering the fact our family insists on holidaying every August in Bear Country up in northern Canada because none of us wants to die of natural causes, in light of recent events, I have recalculated.
I now believe that my executioners will be two different vile creatures.
I wrote about a four-foot-tall wild turkey that landed in my backyard recently and that spent a half hour inspecting every square inch of that part of our property. An Internet search revealed that these guys are aggressive and not afraid of humans. And they have sharp talons.
Then, a few days later, while walking our little doggie, I saw a massive airplane-like shadow on the ground around us and knew that imprint could have only been made by a wild turkey, though I couldn’t catch sight of him.
Since then, a family member has seen two of them on the wing around our place and counted eight of them in the trees in a park near our home. They are so heavy, they are breaking some of the branches they land on.
And two days ago, I found a feather on our front lawn, which, and I did the comparison, is the same length as a barbecue spatula. Naturally, I took this as an ominous sign that one of those guys is coming for me, much the same thoughts I might have if I found a horse’s head in my bed.
So someday soon, I am going be in my backyard sunning myself when a turkey will descend on me, knock me to the ground and peck the hell out of my face, neck and throat. It will then fly away cackling and as I lie there under my maple tree, counting down my breaths from ten to zero, I will gaze up into the tree to see a bee’s nest I hadn’t seen before and won’t be the least bit surprised when I am suddenly swarmed by a dozen murder hornets. These evil bastards don’t normally attack humans but will do so if they are disturbed and, of course, that awful killer wild turkey woke them up with all its maniacal gobbling.
So, think of me for a moment as my doom approaches and if you feel the need to shed a little tear, that’s okay.
I’m feeling kind of sorry for myself at the moment too.
©2020 Jim Hagarty
