When your wife and daughter unexpectedly invite you to see Mary Poppins Returns with them at the local theatre on New Year’s eve, you don’t really have much choice in the matter. Turn them down like a schmuck or show up. So, I agreed to go. We watched the original Mary Poppins endlessly when the kids were young and I was interested to see the follow-up, especially with Dick Van Dyke appearing in both.
“Meet us there at 3:45,” I was told, just after 1 p.m. when my movie companions left the house to go shopping.
“I’ll be there,” I promised, glad to have so much time to prepare.
But first, I needed to scare my pants off by reading a few stories about American politics. That took about an hour, enough time to turn my white hair even whiter.
Unfortunately, I was a mess. I was badly in need of a shower and my clothes were about ripe enough to start walking around on their own without me in them. So in the washer they all went as I entered the bathroom to scrub myself clean. In the process of doing that, I poured baby oil in my ears to clean them out and immediately realized the error of my ways as the oil and subsequent warm water mixture left me deaf as a frying pan. I tried to revive my hearing, to no avail. I knew from experience that would take a day or more to achieve.
I don’t know if I was having fun during all this but time sure went fast. The washing machine, though I used only basic settings, took forever. At 3:15, I started to get a little frantic. Finally, I pulled everything out and threw it all in the dryer, cranking it to maximum heat. As it turned out, I needed a setting three times higher than maximum and my clothes took forever to dry.
The phone rang, and I was asked how I was getting along. Of course I said I was doing fine and would be there on time. After I asked the caller to repeat the question three times loudly so I could hear it.
But time had run out. I grabbed my still moist clothes from the dryer and slithered into them all. I raced upstairs to find that another member of the household had taken our second car and the driveway was empty. However, within minutes, it was back.
I jumped in the car, wet and deaf, and headed out. It had been raining and the old car doesn’t like that. It stalled at the first light I came to. At every red light after that, I had to put it in neutral and coast to a stop, revving the engine the whole time. Finally, I ventured into the theatre parking lot in my car with the chugging engine, and ran inside. I pulled out my debit card. Sorry, cash only. So, I had to pay $2 to a machine to get a $20 bill to pay my admission.
Just in time, I found the right theatre, and joined my family. There I sat in my wet clothes, trying to read the lips of the actors on the screen, as I could barely hear their voices.
Dick Van Dyke was great though. At least I think he was. Some day I will rent the movie and watch it, in dry clothes with even drier eardrums and my headphones on.
©2018 Jim Hagarty
