Colleen McCullough, author of the Thorn Birds among other great writings, died at 77 this week. Her obit in an Australian newspaper is being widely mocked on Twitter. The second paragraph read, “Plain of feature, and certainly overweight, she was, nevertheless a woman of wit and warmth.”
Twitter writers have been hilarious in their responses. I will start with my own and then follow with a few examples.
“Though bright as a burned out nightlight and smelling of energy drinks and pepperoni past its best-before date, Hagarty managed to put several sentences together in his lifetime that were worth reading if you had absolutely run out of all other material.”
Check these others out:
Fancying herself a rockabilly princess, Nicole more aptly resembled a toadstool with too much eyeliner. Crooked teeth, soft jaw & limp notwithstanding, she somehow managed to find a willing, though certainly unambitious mate.
Although a shouty malodorous vulgarian he nevertheless enjoyed most episodes of house hunters international. (Craig Ferguson, comedian and former late night talk show host.)
Big of stomach, and almost constantly flatulent, he somehow managed to reach the keyboard to write some things, too.
Thin of hair, and strangely proportioned, she nevertheless managed to land a respectable job and charming husband.
Although dark-skinned with facial hair & ugly teeth he was not a terrorist but an actual scientist who even discovered a thing or two.
A struggling black single parent, she occasionally took breaks from making gumbo & spitting watermelon pips to pen fables.
Disappointingly heterosexual, her spinster status and preference for short hair & sensible shoes confused the best of them.
Though unmarried & certainly showing her age around the eyes, she was, nevertheless, sort of helpful. (Accompanied by a photo of Mother Teresa)
And here is a pretend obit of slimy press baron Rupert Murdoch: Ugly of face, devoid of morals and with a neck more wrinkled than a stegosaurus’s scrotum …
This is the best way to take on idiocy. The pen is mightier than the you know what. Oh, come to think of it, you probably don’t know. You are probably too plain and fat. (But nice enough, in a sort of ordinary way.)
©2015 JimHagarty
