By Jim Hagarty
So my wife hid behind a wall and stuck her leg out as I ran by.
The arsenic in the stew had had no effect on me so she had moved on to Plan B.
I fell like a mighty oak against a wooden chair. As I lay on the floor reading myself the Last Rites, our dog Toby rushed to the scene and knew exactly what to do. He stuck his tongue down my left ear and oddly, it seemed to help. Toby’s Wax Removal Service is available for rental. Just Google it.
My wife, meanwhile, finally set down the life insurance policy and then came over to assess the damage. I was bleeding from several wounds on my head. One of them was new, having been inflicted by the chair. The others were just the usual.
My wife said I might need staples to close the gash. She went to the shed and came back with the roof staple gun. I protested as I didn’t want blood on my staple gun. So she decided to treat it.
She ran upstairs and came back with a bottle of cayenne pepper which she sprinkled liberally into the cut. I asked for another helping of her stew.
She then fetched some turpentine, windshield washer fluid, WD-40 and rubbing alcohol and when I wouldn’t drink the mixture, she poured it all over my head.
More stew, I screamed.
Toby moved on to my right ear.
My wife sent our daughter to the shed for some duct tape. She came back with a roll of white Gorilla tape. They use that tape to make repairs on the space shuttle.
Toby is my only friend. I would kiss him but he has a bad case of wax breath.
Help me!
