I keep track of unique ways Internet commenters respond to news stories about the Donald Trump presidency. What follows here are some of the words and expressions I have collected but rather than just list them, I have written a story using them.
News From Dumbfuckistan
I ran into a Donald Trump supporter the other day and was taken aback as the man was suffering an obvious ragegasm.
“What a sly fuckeroo, that man is,” I thought. “He must be one of Trump’s tinfoil hat nutterbutters.”
“What the crippling fuck is wrong with you?” I asked the man. I was surprised when he looked me straight in the eye and gave me an honest answer. He told me he was being affected by an STD – a Stupidity Transmitted Disease. He said he had just emerged from three days straight of watching FOX news and was thoroughly infoxitated. He also admitted to being a confirmed negaholic.
“What a catastrophuck,” I thought. “Those poor chucklefucks that follow Trump. Seems like all these teabillies must live in Upper Wingnuttia. And the only thing they ever eat is Campbell’s Moron Soup.”
I needed answers. I was dejected. So, I called up my old political science professor from my university days. He’d help me understand.
“Donald Trump is a douche,” he said. “He has the attention span of a mosquito on meth. His presidency has been one continuous dread-a-thon. He has created a bizzaroverse in which we all now live.”
Man, I thought to myself, my professor is smarter than a treeful of owls.
“Trump is a Kremlinphiliac,” my prof continued. “He’s a man who always has is undies in a bundle. Part of this can be explained as originating from the effects of MS – microgenitalia syndrome. But he has the support of gun worshippers across the country who have organized themselves into micro penis militias. It is scary. And everything his official spokesgoobers say is nothing but bullfuckingshit.
“But he also has support from lots of Evilgelicals who shout ‘Hallefuckinlullah’ in response to everything the president says. And they never examine the things that come out of the lieholes of the members of the Trump gooberment operating out of the White House, also known as Dumbfuckistan.”
“To be honest, Trump’s BFF (best fascist friend) Putin loves it whenever Trump truthmangles something.
“It bakes my noodle,” concluded my professor, who I have never known to get angry. “I am tired of hearing all these Amerigarchs talk and talk. I just wish they would shut the living fuck up.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
©2018 Jim Hagarty
