By Jim Hagarty
2006
I started writing headlines in 1977 and am still at it. I’ve gotten a bit better at it over the years and now and then try to come up with something creative, even amusing. But having spent my entire career in journalism in Stratford and Perth County, in Ontario, Canada, the opportunities for me to write some real zingers in this rural area have been few and far between. This is because we have a dearth of really crazy news around here, for some reason.
And so I live in envy of the editors who got to write the following headlines on these very true stories that happened around the world this week.
Woman in alleged hammer attack over gas
(She allegedly beat a convenience store clerk on the head with a hammer after he turned down her demand for free gasoline).
Drinkers earn more than nondrinkers, study says
Penis transplant reversed over psychological problems
Gas station owner accused of vandalizing rivals
(Man allegedly put glue in their credit card readers, sprayed foul-smelling deer repellent on pumps and threw beer bottles through windows).
Dancer allegedly gets human hand as gift, and keeps it
Hiker hopes to endure bare feet feat
(Man set to hike the entire Appalachian Trail in his bare feet).
Parents in alleged kidnap of daughter upset over boyfriend’s race
(A couple is accused of tying up their 19-year-old daughter, throwing her in their car and driving her out of state to get an abortion were upset because the baby’s father is black).
Hawks attacking residents in Rio
(A pair of hawks have attacked dozens of residents, scratching their heads and faces).
Home sellers bury statues for good fortune
(Boston Catholics selling homes by burying statues of saints).
Tuxedo-wearing robber nabbed after chase
Shark that walks on fins discovered
Man says he was too “lazy” to deliver mail
(Mail carrier stuffed more than 500 items of undelivered mail into garbage bags in a storage shed behind his house).
Man out to break eye-popping record
Man says he’s fine being almost 7-foot-9
Goat turned into corpse, suspect claims
(A murder suspect accused of killing his brother with an axe says he actually attacked a goat, which was only later magically transformed into his sibling’s corpse).
Argument over toupée led to heart attack, suit claims
Pig withstands Taser shots during highway ordeal
Residents asked to report dog droppings
(Organizers of a campaign trying to clear Vienna’s streets of dog droppings are urging residents to record how many droppings they see in the space of five minutes).
Woman paid about 14K to rent rotary phone 42 years
Woman gives birth to baby weighing almost 15 pounds
Father breaks leg trying to cure daughter’s fear of heights
(A father talked his daughter into jumping off a bridge; she landed safely, but he broke his leg).
Man reprograms ATM to give out 4 times more cash
Woman faces prison after setting boyfriend’s penis on fire
Judge boxes in car parked in his space
Falling pigeons mar festival
Man won’t shave until bin Laden is caught
Man says naked and scantily-clad men attacked him
Raccoons keep girl from her homework
(Raccoon fell through Florida girl’s ceiling into her bedroom, she can’t get schoolwork).
Contest winner can’t afford to live in new house
Panda bites drunk Chinese man, man bites panda back at Beijing zoo
Man charged with impaired driving after slow-speed tractor chase in Nanaimo (British Columbia)
California man charged with smuggling exotic cats through L.A. airport
Pennsylvania police chief turns in his own son for bank robbery
No, I don’t get to write amazing headlines. So it’s back to the “New program will help everybody” and “Two hundred show up for spaghetti fundraiser” for me.
The best I ever managed was one on top of a story about a retired farm woman who lost her wedding ring while planting flowers and found it 40 years later in the same flower bed. A root was wearing it.
