By Jim Hagarty
2016
I hate to be pessimistic, but it is getting to be an awful world out there. Bombings, torture, arson, assassinations. Environmental crimes. Hate crimes.
Our fellow humans are losing their minds and it is downright scary.
What is all this mayhem leading to?
This is what we can look forward to. A woman in Maryland stole three french fries and, incredibly, ate them. She ate them right in front of the man she had stolen them from.
But take heart. The woman was not only hungry and lacked any moral compass, she was stupid enough to steal them in a restaurant from a plate which belonged to a police officer. Wow!
Thank God, however, that the law moves decisively and quickly in our modern society. The officer arrested her right away and carted her off to jail where she belongs.
She has been charged with second-degree theft. On the arrest sheet, the fast-acting cop listed the items stolen as “French Fried Potato…quantity 3.”
Some might say this is too trivial an event for jail and a subsequent court appearance. Are you kidding me? Across the world, french fry theft is on the increase and out of control. Do you not read the news?
And if you think this is over the top, ask yourself this: Will french fry thieves stop at potatoes? Will they? No they won’t. Left unchecked, they’ll go on to nab onion rings, salad fixin’s, gravy containers. I hope this doesn’t sound like fear mongering, but sooner or later, they will drink your pop!
Good work Maryland police officer. In your honour, I am coining this new slogan:
“French Fries Matter.”
