By Jim Hagarty
1987
(Most of you don’t know any of these places. They are the little towns and villages in Perth County around the city where I live, Stratford, in Ontario, Canada, near Toronto. I was the district editor for the local city daily paper and so was tasked with keeping track of these outlying places. They used to send me their sports scores.)
So, you thought Perth County, once a heavily treed wilderness where bear, wolf and snake roamed freely, is a tamed, civilized place today where humans can wander without fear of attack by anything wilder than an overzealous farm dog? So did I.
But now I wonder.
As I scan the sports pages of the newspapers in this area detailing the activities of various ball, hockey and soccer clubs, I see some startling headlines that have made me think twice about venturing outside the city.
Did you know, for example, that Warpigs have been sighted around Newry? Or that Grizzlies, Coyotes, Cougars and Hawks roam freely in Mitchell? Who would have guessed that there could be Warriors in Willow Grove? But there are. They recently beat Munro, which doesn’t surprise me. What else would you expect warriors to do but lay beatings? Poor Munro.
If you go to Monkton, what’s to say you won’t be jumped from behind by a Wildcat? Or attacked by someone from the Mean Machine. Or dragged off by a Vulcher? In Bornholm, you stand a good chance of being bruised by a Bruiser. Why would anyone want to go to Listowel knowing there are Tigers there? And bands of Renegades?
St. Marys, it seems to me, is a particularly dangerous spot. In that town, there are Marauders, Kickers, Seahawks, Comets, Rockettes, Trappers, Sluggers, Tornadoes, Drillers, Desperadoes, Chargers, Boomers, Blizzards, Sidewinders and Stingers. Not to mention the Hustlers and the Hummers. Or the Sharks and Nighthawks.
There are Hurricanes in Harmony, Huskies in Atwood, Raiders in Dublin, Bulldogs in Britton and Spiders in New Hamburg. Shakespeare has Steelers, Slabtown has Slammers and Staffa and Cromarty have Bombers. There are Braves in Tavistock and Bandits in Stratford.
I have no plans to visit Kurtzville up in Wallace Township so long as it has Killers, the Red Army and bands of Rebels.
In Milverton, you stand a chance of being run down by the 4-Wheel Drives. In Brodhagen, the Brewers apparently make the stuff that keeps the Bornholm Boozers going and who knows what they’ll do to you when they’ve had too much?
Meanwhile, there are Red Devils in St. Marys and Blue Devils in Mitchell and just plain Devils everywhere.
All I can say is I hope the Atwood Leftovers never run into the Mitchell Munchers.
Against all this violence, there are only a few small agents of goodness. Like the Angels in New Hamburg, the Mamas in Atwood and the Goodtimers, Servants and Baby Bears in St. Marys. There are also some harmless enough birds around like the Robins, Orioles and Blue Jays. And in a pinch you might be able to count on the Generals from St. Pauls, the Kings in St. Marys or the Knights at Kinkora to help restore order.
But with the injuries that must be an inevitable part of life in such a turbulent county, it is no surprise to me that one group of St. Marys athletes call themselves the Used Parts.
A revolution seems obviously under way in the world of sports. Where once there were Cubs, now there are Grizzlies. Cardinals have been replaced by Vulchers. The Suns are gone to be replaced by Tornadoes, Hurricanes and Blizzards.
Where teams once sported proud and noble names like the Athletics and the Selects, they now go by some unusual titles. Like the Sod Squad and the Eh-Team from St. Marys. The Dirt Bags from Mitchell. And the Dirty Shirts from Stratford.
Really, now. Aren’t those names just the Ends?
(They’re from New Hamburg.)
