By Jim Hagarty
Hey Gordie. Thanks for your email asking me how I’m doing.
To be honest, I feel like feces. Never felt worse, in fact.
I was fine on Friday morning but today I am in bed and it’s like the following must have happened to me.
I was out for a walk yesterday and saw a nice horse by the side of the road. I patted it on its rump and it kicked me in the nuts. As I bent over in pain, the nasty critter caught me on the chin with his other hoof and down I went.
A few minutes later, the animal’s owner came along and believing I had been mean to his horse, took out his riding crop and began whipping me with it as I writhed on the ground. He then mounted his steed and rode off, leaving me curled up like a baby in the ditch. The pain caused me to pass out.
When I woke up, two big turkey vultures were sitting on my chest, one pecking at my throat, the other at my eyeballs. As much as that hurt, just getting that close a look at those ugly sons of guns made me very sad.
Just then, a hunter out looking for game spotted the turkeys but didn’t see me and fired off a couple of shots. One bullet pierced my collarbone and lodged in my neck, the other landed in my right shoulder which could have been worse as I am left handed. The only good thing about that was the vultures flew off and I was able to sit up and take stock.
It seemed like only a moment later the pile of two-by-fours came flying off the building supply store truck as it rounded the bend but I didn’t get to watch them for long as they fell on me and completely covered me over. That’s where I thought the story would end but a couple of redneck scavengers came along in their truck that had no doors and started tossing the boards in the back.
When they discovered me, they were alarmed and asked me if I wanted a ride home. I happily said yes and they drove in the direction of my house but when they turned onto my street they were going too fast and I shot out of the doorless cab like a Tiger Woods drive leaving the tee. I fell on the pavement and as they were drinking at the time, they didn’t notice my sudden absence.
I crawled the half-block to my house and was glad that I hadn’t locked it because I didn’t have to fish for keys. But the unlocked door also made the entrance easier for the home invaders I encountered in the living room who, armed with a couple of golf clubs, began thrashing me like they were trying to get the dust out of a carpet.
Finally they left with most of my stuff and at last I was able to bounce downstairs on my swollen butt and drag myself into my bed where I have been ever since.
I might have a fever. I hope I don’t start hallucinating.
Thanks again for asking after me.
And how are you doing?
Jim
