By Jim Hagarty
1994
I am no William Shakespeare or Noah Webster (of dictionary fame). I’ve been known to scramble up the English language with the best (or worst) of them. To this day, people check me up on words I’ve been using wrongly for a mere 35 years or so.
But I am also no Archie Bunker and I am shocked at the decline in the language skills of people nowadays. Especially in the language as it is spoken. And not just by kids. (Yes, I know. The last two sentences are not complete sentences. And kids are baby goats.)
Grown men and women, presumably people who might have developed better ways of speaking, have fallen into word-choice habits that cannot be explained. They can only be described. If these people eat like they talk, they must dribble a lot of food down the front of their shirts three times a day.
Take the word, “like.” In the old days, you might use it to say you were fond of something. Or to compare two things. But now, it is interjected into almost every sentence and by some people, even more often.
How many of us have not had to listen to someone who speaks this way:
“Like, it’s, like, the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen, like, do you know what I mean?”
Or …
“The guy comes up to me, like, and he stands there, like, as if he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. And it starts to, like, freak me out.”
Now what, in these circumstances, does “like” mean? Beats me.
Then there is, “I mean”, meaning, who knows? I mean to say, perhaps?
“So, I mean, if I have to pay for the thing, I mean, give me a break! I meeeaaannn! Geez!”
Then, for the truly venturesome, there’s this special combo: “Like, I mean.”
“Like, I mean, who does she think she is? I saw him first. Like, I mean, wouldn’t you be a little upset too?”
Of course, there’s a ’90s substitute for, “I said, he said, she said.” It’s, “I go, he goes, she goes.”
“So I go, ‘Alright then. Leave. What do I care?’ And she goes, ‘Well, maybe I will’ and I go, ‘Fine. Suit yourself.”’ I have heard 45-year-old people use this last expression. Like, I meeeaaannn!!!
A little strange? Oh I don’t know. What would you say if I said there’s another popular way to say, “I said”?
“So, she comes running up to me and I’m, ‘Well? Where have you been?’ but when she turns to leave, I’m, ‘Hey wait! I didn’t mean that!”
To be even more elaborate, try adding the word, “all.”
“So, the teller gives me the wrong change and I’m all, ‘Hey. Wait a minute,’ and she’s all, ‘What’s the matter?’ as if she doesn’t know what’s wrong and the manager comes over and he’s all, ‘What’s going on here?”
When I die, I’ll know which place I’ve gone to if the first person I meet says to me:
“Like, I mean, is it hot today or what? Like, this bright red guy comes up to me and I go, ‘Whoa! Some sunburn!’ and he’s all, ‘Whaddya mean sunburn? I always look like this,’ and I’m like, ‘No kidding?’ and he goes, ‘Haven’t you ever seen a red guy with a tail before?’ and I’m like, I mean, flippin’ out and he’s like, smilin’ kinda weird and I go, ‘Nice horns.’”
I meeeaaannn!!!
