By Jim Hagarty
2013
There was a full public inquiry into my death as there were some questions surrounding how it happened. The main lawyer conducting the public hearing had some pointed questions for the chief expert.
“Can you tell us what the autopsy of Mr. Hagarty showed?” asked Mr. Nitt Picker, of the chief coroner.
“Yes sir, I can,” replied Dr. Cuttem Openn. “We are 100 per cent certain that Monsters killed Mr. Hagarty.”
“Monsters?” asked the startled Mr. Picker, who was shaken by the findings and had to ask his assistant, Ms. Rabid Badger, to take over.
“How many Monsters do you believe killed the victim?” she asked Dr. Openn. “As many as five, maybe more,” replied the coroner. Ms. Badger turned paler than a glass of skim milk at the news.
“What colour were these Monsters?” she managed to ask. When the doctor replied that they were green, she staggered over to join Nitt Picker on a bench. A third lawyer, Mr. Outtoo Getcha, followed up.
“Where did these Monsters come from?” he asked.
“Apparently from under his bed,” responded Cuttem Openn.
“And why were they under his bed?” asked Mr. Getcha.
“Well, his wife had been after him to quit guzzling these energy drinks and warned him they might kill him someday. So he took to hiding them under his bed.”
Nitt Picker was back on his feet at that startling development.
“Sir, you have been quoted as saying there appears to be some irony in the way this unfortunate but incredibly good-looking man perished. Will you tell the hearing what your theory about this is?”
“Certainly,” agreed Dr. Openn. “When Hagarty was a kid, a number of monsters sneaked under his bed every night, many of them green in colour. And he was sure that some night, they would jump out and kill him in some horrible way.
“But nobody believed him,” said the witness. “Nobody, except the woman he married many years later.”
“Aha!” said Mr. Picker. “So, by telling him to stay away from the Monsters, she was actually encouraging him to drink them because she knew he was a contrarian.”
“That appears to be the case,” said Dr. Openn. Mr. Picker then turned dramatically to Police Chief Hunten Ewe Down and commanded, “Book the poor man’s widow!”
Chief Down handcuffed the defiant and very bossy woman in black and somewhere in Purgatory, Hagarty’s face broke out in a satisfied grin, as a bit of Monster dribbled from his lips and trickled down his chin.
Judge I. Toldya Sew banged her gavel and pronounced the inquiry concluded. She grabbed a Red Bull for the ride home but never made it to her house after running off the road and into a tree.
“That shit’ll kill you some day,” her husband Soh Sew warned her, but she told him that was just a bunch of bull and she was so angry she saw red when she said it.
The End.
