By Jim Hagarty
1989
What we are in desperate need of around this country is less talk. Too many people are doing way too much spouting off. Canadians are yelling and screaming and whining and moaning and arguing and demanding and crying and whimpering and braying and bleating and cursing and swearing and yakking and chewing from morning to night. We’re speaking ourselves crazy. And all the hot air spewing from these 25 million people is what’s really putting the holes in the ozone layer. If we don’t watch it, we’re going to talk ourselves to death.
Something has to be done about this problem.
Call up the government. They’ll solve it. They’ll set up a study and talk about it for a couple of years. Then call public meetings across the country and invite people to talk to them about it. Then hold press conferences to talk about the results of all that talking. They’ll call up reporters and talk to them. Talk shows will have them on as guests. Everybody on the street will be talking about it.
And this is what the government will do.
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A national Ah Shut Up Day will be introduced. A day on which we will all be encouraged to button it and to tell others to do the same. It will be legal on that day to go up to anybody, anywhere and say: “Ah, shut up!”
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Word Quotas will be brought in. The number of words that groups and individuals will be allowed to say daily will be set according to need. The average Joe will get 350. Lawyers and TV people will get 1,000. Lumberjacks and fishermen will be restricted to 50, as it will be judged they don’t need that many on their jobs, leaving more for others.
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Conversation Committees will be formed to set and review the Word Quotas. Groups that are judged to have abused their quotas by saying their words too obnoxiously and aggravating everyone with them, may have their quotas reduced. Those who used their words to bring more happiness to the world may have theirs increased. Private citizens will be able to ask the committee to reduce another individual’s quota and hearings will be held.
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Chat Cops will be assigned to roam the country, breaking up street-corner discussions and arresting anyone who is reported to have exceeded his or her word quota.
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Subject Sheets will be issued, listing all the things people will be allowed to talk about in a given week and the number of times a person may say something about each topic on the list over a seven-day time period. People will be able to talk about money, food and work five times a week but they’ll only be allowed to discuss their health three times and their pet peeves twice in that same period. Talkers will place a check mark beside each subject every time they discuss it.
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Word Exchanges will be set up where people will come to exchange quotas. Someone planning a three-week, solitary holiday by a quiet northern lake will be able to sell most of his quota to someone else wanting to take in a three-day convention. All exchanges will need to be approved by the Conversation Committee.
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Word Evaluation Sheets will distributed showing government-favoured words along with words that will be looked down on and those which will carry an outright ban. Harmony-promoting words and phrases will top the list.
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Talk Trophies will be handed out once a year to the top talkers in Canada – those who abided by their quotas and said things which made the most people smile. They will be allowed a 10-word acceptance speech at the awards ceremony.
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A Talking Tax on words not approved by the Conversation Committee will be used to help pay for the Talk Reduction Program.
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One day every year, a Talk Till You Drop Day will be held, on which all quotas will be suspended along with the activities of the Chat Cops and Conservation Committees. People will be allowed to speak all they like. Talk shows will lengthen their formats to 10 hours to handle the volume.
