By Jim Hagarty
2006
Tests show German cat had bird flu. This was a headline on a story on a Canadian news website on Tuesday morning. I found this shocking, to say the least. First, that a cat could get the flu. Secondly, that it would come from its arch-nemesis, a bird. But mostly, that the cat was German. l suppose, on reflection, that it would be simple enough for a vet to decide that a cat had the flu and maybe for an expert – one step up from the vet – to declare the ailment was bird flu. But who, I wonder, could say without question that the cat in question was German? ls it possible it was, in fact, a Portugese cat, up from the south on vacation? Or an English cat passing through on its way to visit relatives in Italy?
What is the test to identify a cat as being German? ls it language, accent, lineage? I know we have our Canada goose, the U.S. its American bald eagle. I’ve heard all about the Tasmanian devil, the Shetland pony, the Jersey cow. The Aberdeen Angus, the Mexican chihuahua, the Irish setter, the Scottish terrier. The Loch Ness Monster. But the German cat?
As someone who is now in his 30th year of writing headlines, I know exactly what the website headline writer was getting at: the cat was from Germany. But when you only have so many words to work with, you sometimes have to get creative. If time is running out and the press guys are yelling at the editors, it’s easy to make a few mistakes.
Fortunately. I have not been in on a lot of embarrassing “heads”, but most of the few I have been a part of, I can’t share with you, because the Family Rating on this paper, on the one hand, and the offence to political correctness a couple of those memorable headlines would cause on the other.
But here’s one I can share. When I was a daily newspaper editor in Stratford years ago, I once ran two photos on one of my pages. One was of a rabbit squirrel, the other of a man who was celebrating his 90th birthday. When the paper came off the press, of course, the old fella was identified as a rabbit squirrel and the squirrel appeared to be celebrating his 90th birthday.
I love crazy headline hunting and they’re a treasure when you find them. Like these old chestnuts, some of which you might have read elsewhere:
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child’s stool great for use in garden
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Maybe a German cat crawled up into one of the engines to keep warm. Or a 90-year-old rabbit squirrel.
