By Jim Hagarty
2018
I hate it when things such as this happen and there is no one around to study them. For the past 10 years, my face has endured twice-daily (and more often) applications of copious quantities of dog slobber. I wonder if anyone has examined this sort of phenomenon with an eye to predicting when the effect on the human face is so severe with the slobber build-up that one day the face just slides right off the skull. There must be some way in which this could be tested. At the same time, I am getting no help from the specialist my doctor sent me to. I was told by that doctor, after thorough testing, that I was suffering from a severe case of dog slobber deficiency, the worst case she had ever seen. She recommended I continue the twice daily applications and went so far as to advise me to encourage my dog to ramp up his schedule. Another scientific test I would like to see done is an examination of how much slobber one 13-pound dog is able to generate in a day because I am pretty sure my dog’s glands are overproducing. Lest you think a simple face-washing might solve the problem, I am here to declare that slobber is very much like the goo that oozes out of evergreen trees from time to time. That stuff is some serious sticky.
