By Jim Hagarty
2005
I’ve been looking for ways to augment my income, and as there are no jobs for male exotic dancers in town, I am forced to look elsewhere. I have not had to look far.
I have, in my possession, one of the most efficient paper shredders in my city. One that uses no electricity, needs no oiling, does not have to be cleaned out regularly and does not require a science and technology degree to operate. With care, it could last almost 20 years.
Its name is Mario and it stands steadily on four legs, comes in grey only and is available for work 24 hours a day.
Terms for rental are fully negotiable.
My family and I brought Mario – and his non-shredding twin brother Luigi – home from the animal shelter a few months ago and all was well for an hour or two until he suddenly realized his mission in life. From then till now, this chaotic kitten has set about daily to atomize all items made of paper that may be left lying around foolishly by his owners.
Newspaper readers must hold their journals high above their heads to keep the pages out of reach of the one that is seemingly hooked on newsprint and ink and will leap four feet in the air to hack off a chew. Many a good article has found its way down his gullet, I fear.
Children’s school artwork comprises a special treat for Mario, what with their colourful paints and carefully crafted scenes. Among all of us in our house, he is by far the biggest lover of art.
But he is not discriminating. He enjoys a varied diet which includes book covers and even a stamped envelope to be mailed which was left alone for a few minutes while a phone call was answered. A commentary, perhaps, on the high cost of sending mail these days.
And he has even done to bills what I secretly have wanted to do for years. One day last week l left a newly arrived hydro and water statement on a basement step for one minute, I swear (Okay. I’m Irish. Double that estimate, no, triple it) and when I realized in horror the mistake I had made I ran downstairs to find wee bits of blue and white paper scattered about where a perfectly fine-looking bill, if such a thing exists, had once been.
Young cats, like young humans and presumably new beings of every kind, explore their universe using all their senses. The young’uns of every species can leave widespread destruction in their path until their days of micro-exploration are over and they settle into a more sedate existence.
But some never do calm down very much.
I once had a cat which could have faced several charges of mouseslaughter weekly had such a felony been on the books for her kind. She should have also gotten the chair for murder in the first degree on many occasions, not one of her killings having been unpremeditated. She was a hardened killer; not an ounce of sympathy in her soul. She also brought down a few birds in her day and once came dashing around across the lawn with a rabbit almost as big as herself in her mouth, a bunny that got lucky as I was able to free it from her powerful jaws of death.
Mario hasn’t caught mice or bunnies yet as he has been confined to quarters till we know he won’t run away.
Until then, he has miles to go, promises to keep and reams of paper to disintegrate.
