Most days, these days, I feel like a human guinea pig. Those who practise the healing arts are at me like tigers on a wildebeest.
On the positive side, if I didn’t have a body to try to keep alive and functioning, I would have no social life at all.
I see my opthamologist twice a year, my optometrist, once a year. I am in the dentist’s chair four times a year, the same number of times my family doctor wants to go over the bad news with me. Four times a year I get my blood drawn and tested. Sometimes I pee in a bottle.
I wander to a nearby city at least twice year to see my dermatologist and a couple of weeks ago, I went to a hearing centre to find out why I can’t hear the people in my family any more. Not even the dog. Also, some of these specialists send me to see other specialists, more special than they themselves are, I guess. I have ultrasounds taken of my belly and a while back, a CT scan. I don’t even ask why. If you know why, don’t tell me!
I think it is a great thing that all these folks are working feverishly to keep me out of Avondale Cemetery, but the effort leaves me a bit tired, to be honest. Not to mention the fact that sooner or later, they’re all going to fail, I’m pretty sure of that. One reason for my weariness is I get scolded, almost mercilessly, by every one of these practitioners whenever I am in their office. I pretty much never do what I am told to do. It isn’t that I can’t see the logic in all their careful instructions to me. It’s just that I forget them before I get home. And I am lazy.
Not to mention the fact that things are getting complicated out there. My dental hygienist told me I should be brushing my tongue to reduce the bacteria in my mouth and thus, save my teeth. So she gave me a toothbrush. I joked that what I needed was a tongue brush. Turns out, they have them. Now I have one. A week later, it is still in its package.
My dermatologist has given me three different creams – two for my head and one for my face. I apply these every night. Also, she has instructed me to use only one kind of soap and one shampoo and I also have a special cream to apply to other dry areas of my body. Once in a while I dab some of that on, on the places I can still reach, that is. She has also suggested I buy special UV-ray resistant clothing from Australia.
I will be honest with you. I don’t know where I picked this up, but being scolded is not my favourite thing to endure. But what choice do I have and don’t tell me I could avoid all this by just doing what they say. I tried that one day and hated it. It was my worst 24 hours ever.
So here I sit, coming on to the midnight hour, preparing to swallow the 14 pills (not exaggerating) I was supposed to take at noon. For some reason, though most of them are small, I have a hard time choking down all those suckers. Sometimes they come back up.
An electric toothbrush was ordered, so I will need to use it before bed, starting with the gums. And into my eyes I will squirt a couple of messy eyedrops. In the shower, I pour baby oil in each ear and wash it out with warm water, as per my family doctor’s instructions. Then I slip on the baby oil on the shower floor and practically knock myself out.
I am going to be the best-looking guy at the funeral home some day.
©2019 Jim Hagarty
