My troubles are in the rear-view mirror, according to the information in an email I have received. Western Union has deposited $7.5 billion into my bank account. I just have to contact Mr. Peter Campbell to finalize the action. Today I will order a large coffee in the drivethrough instead of a small. I might even get a cookie.
As I mentioned, Western Union is depositing $7.5 billion in my bank account. I need to contact Mr. Peter Campbell to make the arrangements. As you can imagine, I am pretty excited about this and maybe not for the reasons you think. I don’t plan to go out and buy a mansion or yacht or my own island. I have always wanted a little pot to invest and to watch my stakes grow, so this will give me the opportunity to do that. I have a few ideal moves I want to make. First, I will open up a Blockbuster Video store, maybe a chain, if that goes well. Then I will find a good location and open a Ponderosa Restaurant. I’ve always dreamed of doing that. Also, I would like to invest in every Sears store that could use my help and I would like to bring Target stores to Canada. I think they would be a hit. I want to put Massey Ferguson tractors back in the fields and if I have money left over, I would like to invest in the Bricklin Car Company. A few years from now, that $7.5 billion will seem like small potatoes to me, guaranteed.
This is turning into my best week ever. First a boatload of cash deposited in my bank account by Western Union and Mr. Peter Campbell. And just now I got an email from Justin Alexander with an incredible offer on a new hair restorer product. Two sprays on my scalp and all my hair will regrow in four days. Every last little strand. I am so glad to be alive in this day and age. Next time you see me walking down the street, I will have a head of hair like Elvis and wads of cash falling from my pockets like Warren Buffett. If bad things happen in threes, maybe good things do too. Can’t wait to see my third surprise.
It is hard to take in the enormity of the good fortune that has befallen me this week. I just received a note from barrister David Kalala informing me that the late Mr. William Winga, of South Africa, has made me a beneficiary in his will. I am choking back the tears on the recent passing of my good friend William Winga, but am comforted by the memories of all the good times we shared together, and I am heartened to know he has left me $16,702,000. I will be informing Mr. Kalala, however, that having recently received $7.5 billion from Western Union and Mr. Peter Campbell, I am not in the need of $16,702,000 at present and that I would prefer he spread those funds around to all the little Wingas, especially Joey and Suzanna (my favourite twins). If they somehow are not in need of it, I will ask Mr. Kalala to direct that money to the Society for the Preservation and Promotion of Cherry Pie. Please do not contact me for the next few weeks as I am in mourning for Mr. William Winga although I have hurt my hip and will not be able to make the flight to Pretoria for the funeral. RIP my dearest Willie.
©2018 Jim Hagarty
