I have had a job for the past few years and the ironic thing about that is I have tried not to have a job for the past few years. Over the course of my working life, I have generally found it harder to have a job than to not have a job. In fact, the process leading to not having a job is usually a fairly simple one. Having a job, at the very least, involves such annoyances as an alarm clock, a shaved face and non-hobo-like clothes. Not a huge fan of alarm clocks, a shaved face and non-hobo-like clothes, I have found the job-keeping process a tricky one at times. The job-getting effort does not involve very much, usually just a suit, a tie and shoes not normally found on an Olympics track.
But when I am working at the job I currently have, the consequence of that activity is I am not sitting in a lawnchair under a shade tree which is where a man of my tender sensibilities belongs. So, I resolved to quit my job. I phoned my boss and explained my decision. The news was not well received so I promised to continue doing the job until my replacement was found. In retrospect, I realize now that zero effort was put into finding my replacement. It was decided a short time later that we should get together and discuss this and that is what happened.
During the summit meeting, I failed miserably to stick to my resolve and walked away with a raise. I didn’t want a raise as it was easier to quit a job that paid me only enough to buy three new pair of socks and a bag of caramel popcorn a year. Now, more socks and corn were suddenly within reach. I went home a richer, but sadder man. As the summer went by, however, it became clear to me that the boatload of jewels being suddenly dumped on me did not make me like my job any more than I did when the compensation for my efforts was less enthusiastically doled out. So, I arranged another meeting today to re-break my job-quitting news and I tossed and turned last night in bed trying to think of a way to deliver it to the company gently.
The meeting was held. Unexpectedly, I was given the title of manager. Well, a man of feeble ego such as I possess reacts to a new title like a child slobbers over a fresh sucker so there was a bit of a glow came over me in the wake of my elevated status. There have never been very many managers in my family. I was breaking new ground here. Alas, before I even arrived home, I realized there was a worm in my shiny new apple as I was still miserable.
I need to arrange another meeting. But I am very afraid that another such encounter might have the effect of getting me appointed president of the board of directors. Later, trying to quit that position, I will no doubt walk away with the status of new CEO of the company.
I feel like the old woman who swallowed a fly, I don’t know why she swallowed a fly, perhaps she’ll die. This woman exhibited very poor reasoning and judgment abilities in my view. She swallowed a spider to catch the fly, a bird to catch the spider, a cat to catch the bird and a dog to catch the cat. This was not going her way at all. She then swallowed a cow to catch the dog and finally, a horse to catch the cow. And after all that, she died. I still haven’t gotten over her death.
I wonder if I’ll get a car and a driver when I’m CEO.
©2015 Jim Hagarty
